OH GOOD

April 13, 2019

I don’t write much these days.

It’s because I spend

less and less time

letting myself ride

the ways of the wind.

My body is convinced it’s too heavy

to wind-ride.

My mind weighs me down.

My heart tries to remember,

but it’s as forgetful as it’s always been.

The wonder hasn’t left the world;

I’m just not as good

as I once was

at being fluent in the language of awe.

I see it in typewriter font,

and my feelings fit in boxes.

It’s safer, so I like it.

But I think if I were to see myself,

maybe there’s less stars

trying to escape my eyes.

Goodness isn’t bursting out the seams.

Mostly,

I live in the moments of relief,

the exhale,

the sigh.

“Oh, good.”

FLUTTERBY

March 31, 2019

I went for a walk today.

I don’t think butterflies know where they’re going,

but they’re beautiful while doing it

and adored without noticing,

and spreading life is their job.

They trust their own wings.

They know they can’t control the wind.

I want to be more like this.

IN THE WHISPER

October 30, 2018

Not every poem, every season is full of something.

Sometimes the emptiness speaks too,

& the emptying leaves room

for whatever filling comes next,

& in the time being,

I have to make myself

sit in the discomfort

of not knowing & not having.

Nothing new to say,

nothing new under the sun.

Sometimes the songs you give me to sing out to you

lose their words,

& the wordless waters are all that’s left

to wash over me.

SPRING FLOWERS

October 21, 2018

Falling in love with You

is something that has unfolded

like a flower in the spring,

turning its face to a new sun,

humming a perfectly orchestrated song.

Every song

I shouted from rooftops

or whispered into clasped hands

that landed on ears

that always want to hear

that always want to listen.

My offerings are small

but all I have.

The Hands of the Sky

lovingly accept them –

untangle & unfold & undo –

returning to me

bouquets of perfect spring flowers.

OH, YOU

September 24, 2018

As you sat in the seat next to me,

I prayed to God

to fall out of love with you

(if looking at you

kept me from looking up).

DAD

September 24, 2018

I cry

in ice cream shops

at dads who lift their little girls up

to sit on countertops.

I cry

in hospitals

at dads who sing lullabies

to their newborn child.

I cry

when I turn my car down the wrong street

(but I know it’s no accident)

to see a young boy on his dad’s shoulders

and they wave together

at the car pulling away from the driveway.

I cry.

I have to pull my car over

& I just weep.

But the huge part of my heart

that is just a gaping hole

with something vital missing,

it’s also a space for the voice that asks,

“will you let me be that for you?”

CAPITAL

September 23, 2018

I was reading old poems

(expired truths of a past heart),

and I realized this:

that I capital “I”s now.

I used to write about myself

with lower-case “i”s

(a testimony to how little I thought of me).

And it’s beautiful to be able

to call yourself beautiful,

knowing that I do not qualify

because of anything I accomplished,

but because of the fact

that I realized that being crafted

by the hands of the creator of the universe

is a beautiful thing.

And if a portion of that royalty

is a gift that I have received,

maybe I can stop apologizing for existing

and start capitalizing my “I”s.

COME BACK

September 21, 2018

You can’t turn your face to the sun,

and then turn away from it for days,

trying to remember what it looked like,

thinking you can will it back to existence.

It’s that same with all light.

God wants you to come back.

God wants me to come back.

I keep trying to memorize the sun,

but forget that I’m not the creator of it.

CAREFREE

September 12, 2018

Be carefree with me

— completely —

because I take only complete care of you.

You are a direct product of my love,

you are my child,

and I created you to love.

You forget me;

you think it’s him,

you think it’s you.

It’s me,

it’s always me.

I am every sweet & good & right thing

that you know.

You look up now

& you will see

how far I’ve taken you.

None of it was by your own doing.

Sweet child,

all you can do

is choose me.

The rest of the way

is paved by grace.

IT IS WELL

September 12, 2018

It is well, you know?

Not everything feels great,

but it’s not really about feelings.

I love that I’m realizing

that emotions are only a thing of this world,

that they are raw and to be treasured,

but they are not the treasure themselves,

that they are indicators

that point you to things of importance,

things you can learn and grow from,

that they are beautiful,

but only because they carry you to

the direction of something

of even more (impossibly more) beautiful.

So, it is well.

With clenched fists that open in surrender,

with blind eyes that see through grace,

with a heart that is quieted by love,

it is well.

My heart, mind, and body

only know how to love in tangled ways,

but my soul rests.

URGENCY

July 5, 2018

The wi-fi was not working this morning,

the sink has been leaking for a week,

the lock on the door got stuck last night

& I had leave my apartment

through the window this morning.

The space I live in is falling apart

in a way that I can laugh at,

but the space that lives in me

is falling apart in a way that hurts.

My heart has felt like an abandoned room

with dust collecting in the corner

for weeks now.

I was the one to abandon to it,

because abandonment feels like

a second language to me,

one that I did not want to learn

but practice made it stick.

Just like the apartment, just like my heart,

sometimes things are so broken

that you don’t bother fixing it.

But the handiman came

& reminded me

that Jesus was a carpenter for a reason.

Apartments can be repaired by handimen

& lives can be built up by God.

And I had to run to this coffee shop to get wi-fi,

so I could write these words down

before my fearful heart forgets again

that children of God do not flee from broken things.

HOME

May 18, 2018

A house full of warm light

& too many rugs & too many colors

& a whole lot of love.

Love that lives

in the sound of dog collars

& children’s feet that rise

before the sun does.

Love that laughs

at dancing to out-of-tune singing

& brownie batter caked on all our noses

& mud caked on all our shoes.

Love that lives.

Love that falls

only to our knees at the end of the day

as the little ones tell the stars all they wish for

as we thank them for all the answered prayers.

My greatest prayer

lives in that home that heals all the brokenness

that we have had to feel to get

there.

I AM

May 3, 2018

You already know that:

i am just a girl

with stars in her eyes

& a constellation for a name.

i am just a child,

choosing to tread

lightly & barefooted,

choosing to believe

i am always walking

on Holy Ground.

i am just a wildflower,

dancing in the wind,

smiling to the sun,

bringing joy while i can.

because i know that

i am just a handful of dirt,

taking form

in whatever you shape me to be,

in whatever the Universe needs

in the moment.

and when Your work is

complete in me,

this handful of dirt

will be sent into the wind,

praying to be Home bound.

BROKENNESS

March 16, 2018

asking somebody

to take responsibility

to fill the parts of you

that are left incomplete

because of your human condition

is to ask somebody to make themselves

so unlike themselves

that they manipulate

their heart, mind, & soul

into an image of a person

that they think will fill you

but will ultimately fail you,

because they are made just as incomplete,

& you can’t fix something broken

with something broken.

SHINY MOMENTS

March 13, 2018

i loved myself today

like a child would:

in a small and joyful way.

i was driving home,

i was almost home.

it was a long day,

& i was about to sign myself up

for more time in loveless work.

but i stopped & just turned my car in a circle

for more time in carefree play.

i loved myself today

in a simple way:

by stopping at the grocery store

& taking a minute to flirt

with the idea of buying flowers,

then deciding to save the blooms

for a time when i needed them more;

by spending a few extra dollars

to buy that really good creamy peanut butter

to pack myself a sandwich

that i can look forward to eating later;

by buying grocery-store-made sushi.

(that’s just ridiculous.

it’s made with brown rice.)

i am just as ridiculous

as i park my little yellow car

to overlook the ocean

& i sit with the good company of myself

& a book cracked open to its worn out spine

& my favorite song ever plays

& nobody is here to stop me from playing it on repeat

& i eat the grocery-store-made sushi with my hands

& it breaks apart

& spills all over my new shirt that i was so excited to wear

& i pick up each little peace of soy-sauce-soaked brown rice

& eat it still

& laugh to myself

so far from feeling upset at any of it.

i laugh with the childlike carefree joy

the way that i like to think God does

when He picks up the little spilled pieces of us.

laughing & joyful & loving still.

even in our mess,

especially in our mess.

& i thank God’s love for appearing

in the flowers & the ocean

in music & in books

& in brown rice grocery-store-made sushi

that stops me in my tracks,

that uncovers the blinders i too easily wear,

that relieves the burdens i too mindlessly bear.

& i laugh with childlike bliss.

& i thank God for teaching me how to love myself

just a fraction of how much He loves me.

FILLING NOT CONSUMING

March 12, 2018

i’m finding so much beauty in this version of love

that strives to be free of consumption.

i’m asking you – not demanding you –

to learn with me.

take my hand & walk alongside me.

let’s learn together & learn apart that

love & love & love & love

is so beautiful

when we aim to just fill,

fill ourselves and fill each other,

& we abandon the desire to consume.

touch all my soul, my heart, my mind.

touch all of me before my body.

& i know we will taste a sweeter love.

HEART MADE ANEW

March 10, 2018

my heart is melted

& out of it shines only light

& it lands all over both our lives.

LIES & PROMISES

March 10, 2018

God quiets the fears of my heart with reassuring whispers of truth

& the lies of the past fade away to leave room for the promises.

 

THE TRUTH ABOUT BRIDGES

March 10, 2018

because through what I’m learning about God,

forevers can exist.

i’m learning that because i’m made in the image of God,

i do have power.

but because i am not God,

i do not have as much power as i sometimes think i do.

me, just me,

i do not have the power to make anybody un-love me

unless i intentionally burn bridges to keep them away.

i’m learning that true bridges of true love

that are built with & to & from

the foundation of God,

they do not fall as easily

as i’ve always feared bridges fall.

LOVE IS NOT

March 4, 2018

it is not love if you don’t want to tell anybody.

it is not love if you don’t even want to tell yourself.

it is not love if he’s just in love with the idea of you.

it is not love if he’s just self seeking.

it is not love if he makes you feel small.

it is not love if you need convincing.

it is not love if you are always made out to be wrong.

you were not made

to be left.

you were not made

to be less than.

you were not made

to be used.

do not buy into any of that.

do not believe the lies.

the truth does not leave you

used & less than & left.

the truth only leaves you tears of joy.

i promise.

sweet girl,

you were made for so much more than this.

PEACE THAT TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING

February 14, 2018

& then i realized

that sometimes no words speak more

because i am just me & sometimes words are beyond

& i realized that i did not need my words to speak

& i realized that God would move in me & of me

whether i spoke about it or not

& me

all i needed to do was be still & know

that He is God

& everything from that will just be

peace that transcends all understanding

A NAP IN THE PARK

January 30, 2018

i’m taking a nap in the park.

it’s been a long day,

& i’m taking a nap in the park.

the clouds are here too,

but they’re not so sad;

the sun still says hello.

the breeze feels like gentle kisses

on the back of your hand

on a sunday afternoon:

little gifts from someone you love.

i’m sitting in a hammock

that someone i love hung up for me,

because my heart is blessed,

that sways slightly but surely,

because things don’t stay still for long.

but there is a moment of stillness

when a hummingbird stops & lands,

actually lands,

like a crown jewel on the bed of leaves above.

i’m awestruck.

even though the moments were seconds,

i think of the hummingbird long after it leaves,

& i doubt it thinks of me.

BACK TO GOD

January 21, 2018

as beautifully as you have built yourself,

there are gaps.

of course.

instead of fear, have faith.

trust.

leave what you have

& who you are

at the door

& God will carry the rest for you.

do not be afraid to lose

what you think you have in this world,

because it was never yours to begin with.

just keep going,

pursue, pursue, pursue,

& you will be led.

look in the right places,

& you will find light.

align your heart with God,

& His light will be your light,

& you will not get lost.

it is a rough path.

it’s dark sometimes.

but it’s worth it.

it’s the most worth it thing ever.

LIGHT FEELINGS IN DARK FEELINGS

January 14, 2018

i’m looking at the reflection of the light in the water,

& it ripples faster at some parts,

because the water is moving faster,

because it’s just moving faster.

& it’s like blindingly bright sometimes.

that’s how it feels when everything

is just happening & hurting so fast.

& the reflection would form a path,

a path to the light,

the light that is Heaven.

& it’s so sweet & bright & whole,

but first everything has to go

in light soft & in light painful.

& everything feels

& then it goes dark

& then

Heaven.